Oh, Honestly!

Real Life for Real Moms

I used to be so judgy

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i used to be so judgy

I used to be so judgy.

Back before I had kids. I knew how my kids would behave because I would teach them to behave that way because really, how hard could it be?

I wasn’t a parent, but I knew how to parent because I took some classes in college and I got my teaching degree and I watched the people who were parents and I certainly wouldn’t do it the way they were doing it.

But that was before I had kids. Thank goodness I’m not like that anymore.

I used to be so judgy.

Back when I was a new parent. My first child was exclusively breastfed and those formula moms were horrible, selfish women, I was sure of it. They just didn’t try hard enough or care enough to give their child the absolute best.

And those moms with three or four kids who were carting the baby around like some kind of accessory… how horrible. Didn’t they know the importance of routine and schedules in a child’s life?

But that was when I was a new mom. Thank goodness I’m not like that anymore.

I used to be so judgy.

Back when I had my second baby. If the way I did something worked, then it was the way obviously, and all those other moms not doing it the way were doing it the wrong way.

She let her child keep her pacifier until she was almost three? Ugh. I took it away cold turkey at 10 months. No way my toddler was going to walk around with that thing in his mouth.

She didn’t have the will power to let her kid cry it out? Well, she certainly couldn’t come sulking to me about how tired she was. Clearly it was her own fault.

But that was when I had two kids. Thank goodness I’m not like that anymore.

Then I learned the secret of parenting

Now I have three kids and I’ve discovered the secret of parenting. The secret that there is no secret. That none of us know what the heck we’re doing and we’re all just trying the best we can.

That there are lots of ways to do this parenting thing and most of them will produce halfway decent kids. But sadly, guess what else I’ve discovered?

Despite the fact that I know we’re all just doing the best we can…

I am still so judgy.

All those people who think they do know better, all those people I used to be, well now I find myself judging them.

Judging them for their condescension, whether real or imagined. Judging them for not knowing the secret.

Forgetting that they are learning. Forgetting that:

I’m still learning too.

So here’s what I’m going to do the next time they look at me with their pre-kid eyes oozing judgement.

I will smile at them as I hand my nap-deprived two year old her pacifier. I will push away my “You just wait” thoughts. I will remind myself that we’re all on a journey and none of us, not them or me, have arrived.

And I will raise my hand as if to toast them as I proclaim, “May your journey be judgement-free!”

Happy travels!

About Lauren

If you enjoy picture-perfect home decor, perfectly prepared recipes, and perfectly behaved children, you've come to the wrong place. Meet Lauren. She isn't perfect, but she's perfectly real.

Comments

  2. Lauren says

    Great post! I used to be judgy too… now after two kids I have realized anything goes! No moer judgement here! 🙂

  5. Kristen says

    We all are and were judgy…it’s hard not to be when you are younger. It’s amazing though with years comes wisdom and understanding. Love your blog…and who you are!

  6. Jocelyn McGaffic says

    I was judged at 19 when I had my first child and again at 40 when I had my 3rd. Unfortunately human nature is to judge people. Thanks for making it real.

    • Lauren says

      It’s like our automatic defense mechanism. “If I think about how awful they are, I won’t have to look at my own faults.” It’s too bad, isn’t it? Life would be so much more pleasant if we all played nice. Thanks for your input!

  8. Amberjane says

    I love it Lauren – I used to be judgey until my first child who never slept , had chronic colic and was in a out of hospital after that all notions of perfect parenthood went out the window 🙂 Parenthood is tough

  9. Vicki Lesage says

    Word. I don’t think I can ever completely stop judging (just being honest with myself here!) but it’s certainly gotten better after two kids. They definitely show you that you don’t know everything!

  10. Paula Parker says

    I love this blog! We can all improve. Thank you for the reminder. I have a very negative person in my life that unfortunately,I am unable to get away from, so I “radiate positive vibes” May God bless us both!

  11. Erlene says

    I think it’s human nature to judge and have an opinion on things…everyone does. I used to be the same way, but as I’ve gotten older and learned more, a lot of my opinions have changed. Life is a journey of learning and it’s good to remember that what may be “right” for you may not be “right” for another.

  12. Kellie says

    Well I’m the mother of 2 adult kids & I did it right and everyone else did it wrong. HA! I couldn’t even type that with a straight face. You are right, we are all on our own journey & every kid is completely different even the 2 I have who were reared in the same home are totally different and respond to the same issues in different manners. People can judge all they want to & they can think they know but what works for you may not work for me so I’m with you, I too wish everyone a journey that is judgment free….but really, you all should do it like I did tee hee j/k

    • Lauren says

      Haha Kellie! You are so right. My kids are like night and day. What works for one doesn’t even come close to working for another. It’s amazing how people with the same upbringing can be so completely different.

  13. Winnie says

    Lovely post Lauren
    I’m also very judgy , and as I don’t have kids yet I don’t know if this will change or not……

    • Lauren says

      I think a product of getting older, kids or no kids, is that we realize we’re always learning which means we also realize we don’t know everything. I don’t think we’ll ever completely stop being judgy, it’s part of human nature, but I do think we at least tone it down as we age 🙂

  15. Mariana says

    This is a great post! It’s so hard not to judge sometimes, but I’ve found I’m a lot less vocal about it than I used to be.

  16. Jade @ Jonesin' For Taste says

    It’s so true. Comparison is the thief of all joy. Judging others doesn’t make us feel better and worrying that we are being judged is just as awful. Wish it was something we could all remove from ourselves!

  17. Carrie says

    Amen, girlfriend!

    I was a judgy non-parent too. And a judgy baby parent, because I was sacrificing myself and my sanity for my sweet darling and everyone else who wasn’t as dedicated as a parent sucked! But now, after two kids, I just don’t care anymore! And I mean that…so long as there’s not abuse involved, I pretty much don’t care how people want to raise their kids sp long as they are fed and loved their needs are seen to.

  18. Alicia says

    I’ve always been so torn between the bedtime issue. I just couldn’t bring myself to cry it out- “will it cause psychological damage!?!?! Won’t my child be terrified!?!” … I also was NOT cut out for attachment parenting. The thought of a 3 year old in my bed did NOT sound lovely. I also have 3 kids and have done some sort of different random crap with each of them- and they are all sound through-the-night sleepers now. Who fall asleep calmly alone in their own beds. I have friends who were rigid cry it outers whose children do the same. I have attachment parenting friends whose children someday crawl into their own beds and want to fall asleep alone. It’s funny how it all works out the same in the end!!

  20. Trisha says

    hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah! A M E N S I S T E R ! I am a mother of 6 and I laugh all the time because I felt the same way! And honestly still do at times with people who treat their dogs like people (I say, they should have had more kids and then they wouldn’t be treating their dog like a kid!) I’m working on that one!!!!!!!!!! I love your spunk and I am now going to follow you! I have given up blogging for a bit because the blog world is like being back in high school, I bet you know who the popular ones are………and it isn’t me!!!! hahahahahahahahah! I’m working on that feeling too!!!!! Love Ya!!

    Trisha

  21. Jillian @ Baby Doodah! says

    I love this post!! It’s so completely true. I sadly still find myself judging those mamas who didn’t breastfeed their children until they were at least a year. I’m trying very hard to get past this, but it seems to still FREQUENTLY catch me. I am going to make an effort to be more conscious of my reaction, when someone tells me they formula feed. When I start to judge, I’m going to give myself a little poke to remind myself, that we’re all doing the best we can.

    Again – Thank you for this great post!! (found you via the Mommy Monday Blog Hop)

    • Lauren says

      I applaud your efforts! I was like you when I had my first because I easily breastfed him for his first year. Then I had my second little guy. It took a good month before he really figured out how to nurse, but we battled through (because I’m stubborn AND I truly believe that ‘breast is best’. Then at three months he started having blood in his stools. I cut out food group after food group to no avail. Finally at 5 or 6 months I made the excruciating decision to switch him to a highly specialized formula (I agonized over the decision). Once he switched, he stopped having the problems he was having. Even so, I hated bottle feeding him in public because I was certain that every mom around was judging me (because I would have been one of those moms even a few months before). All this is to say, I realized that I have no idea why a mom chooses to breastfeed or bottle feed and there really are some decent reasons why she might be giving her baby formula. Anyway, I hope that maybe helps 🙂

  22. Bronwyn Joy says

    Oh well done. 🙂 I managed to avoid being the earlier judge version (my mother put me straight too many times when she was dealing with my younger siblings… so I guess actually I was that way, but it was mostly during primary school).

    However, I’ve so often been the judge-you-for-your judging. It would probably be better if I stopped that 🙂 .

  23. Elizabeth says

    I wish I could say I was one of those ladies that championed everyone else, and I want to be….but the honest truth: I am judgy too. I hate that! Why can’t I simply just see that we are all trying our best? I am really working on it. I really am. But, like you said here, it is a learning curve. We all have to learn along the way. Thanks for posting and being brave!! Smiles!

  24. Elvira says

    This is a beautifully written post. I used to be like that too, and maybe in a way I still am. But to be honest, I’m even afraid of thinking about a second child, because I finally got the feeling I’m getting the hang of it and I am terrified my other child would be so totally different that I would have to figure it all out again. And maybe that’s because I am still judgmental…

    • Lauren says

      My second one was totally different from my first. BUT it was still much easier the second time around because I had experience with a baby. The first time it’s like this total shock and everything is brand new. Even with a baby that doesn’t act the same as your first, they at least still need the same things and you know how to provide those things. That was my experience anyway 🙂

  25. Nicole {Life's Tidbits} says

    Great post! I think it’s easy to judge from the outside looking in, but when one is living it every day one has to do what works for them!! Honestly from time to time it’s hard not to ‘have an opinion’, but I truly try my best not to judge and just be supportive!!!

  26. Jamie @ Coffee With Us 3 says

    Ugh! This hits home! I know I have gone through these EXACT same thought patterns. And I didn’t even realize that now I’m judging those who are judging me and are in that pre-parent stage. Thanks for calling me out– I definitely need to take those judgmental thoughts captive!

  27. Elizabeth (Rock-A-Bye Parents) says

    This is such a great post Lauren! I think we’re all judgy in some ways. I couldn’t believe the parents that let their kids have pacifiers all the time. Well, Nick is now 3 and I’m not about to take it away from him. He’s decreased how often he uses it all on his own. I know I should start limiting it’s use some, but since my husband and I are still going through our separation I’m not about to take away and of my son’s securities. Live and learn huh?

    • Lauren says

      Yeah, it always seems to be the things we’re most judgy about that come back to bite us! I think God has a good sense of humor.

  28. Rachel G says

    Oh, we’re all still learning, hopefully all throughout life! And especially when it comes to kids, every case is different.

  30. Katie @ Pick Any Two says

    AMEN! I am in the same boat, realizing that I am still judging others, just in a different way. I too will try to push away the “just you wait!” thoughts and instead remind myself that we’re all on this journey together.

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