Oh, Honestly!

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The day my son gave up on me

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The Day My Son Gave Up on Me

The Day My Son Gave Up on Me

Ever since our two sons began sharing a room, their bedtime routine has been the same. Baths, PJs, teeth, stories, cuddles. And every night as I leave their room, Eli always says, “Remember to come up, cuddle, and bring water!”

I head down the stairs with a quick, “Okay!” knowing full well that the likelihood of following through on that promise is next to nothing. The days are long, and by bedtime I’m ready for some downtime. Even then, I still need to finish cleaning the kitchen, pick up stray toys in the living room, and pack a lunch for my kindergartener before I can even consider sitting down.

Occasionally, after several minutes of quiet, the hollering will begin. Although it’s low at first, it quickly gains volume and frequency. “Mommy. Mooommmyyyy. MOOOOMMMMMMYYYY!!!”

So I stand at the bottom of the stairs and yell back in annoyance, “What??”

“Can you bring up water?”

“I’ll be up in a few minutes.”

I finish my current task, fill a couple of water bottles, and begrudgingly climb the stairs, annoyed that my ‘me time’ has been cut into. Quickly handing out the waters, I give one last round of kisses, and skedaddle on out of there as fast as possible, telling myself that my children need sleep. I’m just looking out for their best interests.

For over two years, some form of this scenario has played out nearly every night, which makes it all the more surprising that I didn’t notice when it recently changed.

I was cuddling with Samuel and listening with one ear as he told me his latest superhero tale while with the other I caught snippets of the conversation between Eli and my husband. ‘Mommy’ and ‘grump’ were the two words that stood out. I jokingly reached across the beds to tickle or pinch whatever flesh my hand could reach while crying, “Hey, who are you calling a grump??”

Not long after, I plopped myself in the living room chair beside my husband. As I settled in, he said, “Did you hear what Eli said? ‘Mommy was always grumpy when I’d call her to come back up to cuddle, so I stopped asking.’”

Immediately, I felt the old familiar weight of guilt drape itself over my shoulders like an unwelcome blanket on a hot day. I stood, dashed up the stairs, and rounded the corner into the boys’ bedroom. Eli had just dozed off. As I lay down on the bed, he stirred and I took the opportunity to whisper in his ear, “I love to cuddle you.”

He mumbled something back and drifted off again, arm around my neck, face pressed in close to mine, just the way he likes it. All was forgiven; the situation rectified.

But as I lay beside him, the true weight of his words hit me.

“I stopped asking.”

I never gave much thought to the way he perceived our nighttime ritual, always assuming my words and actions were inconsequential. Unbeknownst to me, however, my hurry to be somewhere else did not escape him, nor did my attitude. At some point he decided that it wasn’t even worth the trouble anymore.

Which makes me wonder what else he might eventually stop asking.

“Mommy, will you read to me?”

“Will you play with me?”

“Mom, listen to this joke!”

“Guess what happened at school today.”

“Will you watch me shoot hoops?”

“What do you think of this girl?”

“Can I talk to you about something important?”

And what will be my reply? What will be my attitude?

“In a minute.” That turns into three, four, ten, twenty minutes.

“I don’t have time right now,” mumbled in frustrated distraction.

“We’ll do it later.” And the pile of broken promises builds and builds.

My excuses may be valid and sometimes even necessary. Children need to learn patience and that sometimes something other than them must take priority. But it is my words coupled with my attitude, week after week, month after month, year after year: At some point maybe he’ll stop asking again, and it might be about something a lot more important than a glass of water and an extra hug.

So lately I’ve been giving longer cuddles at night and I’ve been making sure that when I say ‘Just a minute’, it really is just one minute.

My son gave up on me, but I realized it early enough to make it right. I shudder to think how life might turn out if I had learned that lesson too late.

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About Lauren

If you enjoy picture-perfect home decor, perfectly prepared recipes, and perfectly behaved children, you've come to the wrong place. Meet Lauren. She isn't perfect, but she's perfectly real.

Comments

  1. Kristen says

    What a great, sad, and incredibly moving post. A good reminder to live in the present and always make time for our kids.

  3. Niki says

    How often I have felt this way, with my oldest son, who is now almost 20. Unlike you, I didn’t figure it out in time, with him, but with the little one (almost 4), I have the benefit of hindsight. Does that mean I will get it all right this time around? Hell no, but, it does mean I know how to stop and enjoy the little things and I now know the importance of slowing down. I know these days are long, but the years are short and I “try” to take full advantage of the time I have. Great post. I really love your blog!

    • Lauren says

      Thanks so much Niki! I’m really thankful for the reminders because even when I get them, it’s easy to fall into old habits. You’re absolutely right, the days are long but the years are short. I love that quote!

  5. Shirl says

    WOW!!! What a heart-wrenching eye-opener for all parents….sometimes we get so busy with life til we we forget to remember the things that really matter. GREAT read!!!

  6. Katie @ Pick Any Two says

    This is a gut-wrencher, particularly because I find myself saying “Just a minute!” all too often. You’re right that while sometimes our kids need to learn patience, other times we need to modify our own schedules and to-dos in order to accommodate them. Thank you for helping all of us learn this lesson!

  7. Aileen @ Newsy Parents says

    Love this post. I was doing this myself tonight. I always feel bad about how short I am with them before bed. So when I calm down, I go back in when they’re sleeping, cuddle and tell them again how much I love them.

    BTW, I found your blog through Mommy In Sports. My husband and I blog at Newsy Parents where we share our adventures in parenthood with our daughters, Monkey & Lil Tank. We would love for you to check it out. Thanks!

  8. Roni says

    Thank you for your honesty in sharing this! I have been finding myself half listening to stories and saying in a min a bit lately and even though aware of it as I was doing it I was finding it hard to say That’s enough now. This really hit home.

  11. Susen says

    I think Mom’s can really connect with this post and understand completely the feelings you experienced. I know that guilt you mentioned too often, unfortunately. Life is learning and as long as we realize the mistakes or the things that just don’t feel right than we are already on the right track to trying to be the best Mom’s we can to our kids. You’ve gotten called grumpy and I’ve heard a few times at our house, “Mommy is an angry Momy!” Yikes! Thanks for sharing a great post!

    • Lauren says

      Thanks Susen! We definitely all have our moments. In a way, I think that’s good. It shows kids that even grownups mess up and gives them a chance to offer grace. I’m thankful for these reminders though, so I can try my best.

  12. Elizabeth says

    This is a great reminder of two things: 1. Motherhood is exhausting, 2. We are so important to our kids. You are a brave mom and are obviously doing the right things for your kids. I can relate to the exhaustion and wanting time alone. It is difficult to find the balance. Thank you for sharing and have a beautiful day!

  13. Meredith says

    Wow. Thank you for being so transparent about your parenting journey. I probably have doused some hopes in my children also. Such is life as a human, as an fallible entity. So awesome that your son was ready to forgive. Children are awesome that way. Blessings to you!

  14. Patty Haxton Anderson says

    Lauren, I am 59 years old with three grown children 34, 28 and 23. Let me say your post hit home with me. I regret not playing more, not reading more, not cuddling more and focusing on cleaning and laundry and work. You have caught something that some of us don’t “get” or catch while our kids are still young – you are on a great path and you won’t have to worry about your kids not asking you things. You are now in control of how you spend your life with your kids while they are small – and they will be returning in adult hood because of the beautiful relationship you have built with them. Lucky for me, my kids have forgiven all the times I feel so guilty about. You won’t have to be forgiven because your son already has.

  15. Meeghan says

    I am guilty of this…I am trying to get better. I will definitely keep your post in the back of my mind… it makes me so sad and and scared to think of all the regret and blame i would place on myself for not being there and playing more.. :0(

  16. julie says

    wow. how’s that for a “rip your heart out” moment! Poor little guy! You did good mom, you made it right, and you have been doing good all along or else the little guy wouldn’t care, but he does.

  18. Zan says

    What an awesome reminder. My 3 year old love to cuddle and sometimes I find every excuse to get out of the room as quickly as possible. I was rreminded a few weeks ago about taking the time to cuddle. Thanks!

  19. Caroline says

    This is so beautifully honest… and oh so important! I’m visiting from Hump Day Happenings (I’m just a day late this week!). Thank you for sharing this.

  20. Erica Smith says

    While I was on maternity leave with our daughter I used to find the end of the day the hardest. I have an anxiety disorder that was unmedicated at the time, and I would have willingly chewed my arm off to have got out of the room while she resisted going to sleep!

    Now I LOVE bedtime because we have our little routine – story- what was the best thing about your day? – cuddles – kiss goodnight – and she does too. Obviously, much easier with just the one kid to put to bed, but I bet if you thought about it you’d see that there’s something just you and he share each day that you could build into a special “ritual” that’s just for you guys? Something that could continue into the “cuddles are yuck” stage he will eventually hit and beyond?

    I love your blog and have added you to my FEEDLY 🙂 xx

    • Lauren says

      I love that idea! I was just reminiscing the other night about the little ritual my mom and I used to do. Those things stay with you long after you stop doing them. Thank you for the idea, and thanks for reading!!

  21. Nicole Riera says

    As a mom of 6 in a blended family and an entrepreneur I can absolutely relate, and its not just the bedtime routine. I am so glad I read this to bring me back to my center. Its tough when you are busy and the kids do not realize when one finishes demanding attention the next chimes in only to start the cycle over. A routine of “exclusive” time for each has always worked best for me, but even I have to remind myself often as life gets in the way. Thanks again!

    • Lauren says

      We need to get into a routine of exclusive time for each child too. That’s a really great idea! Our oldest, especially, needs one on one time and we notice a difference in his behavior when he doesn’t get it. That’s definitely something my husband and I need to be more intentional about. Thank you!

    • Lauren says

      Thank you!! It’s perfect that you can learn it now and not have regrets later. Of course, it’s one of those things that I have to relearn many times over, but it’s always a good reminder.

  23. Janine Huldie says

    I am reading and commenting as I sit and listen to my two girls talking each other’s ears off when they should be going to sleep. We just had our own nighttime ritual and sure I will eventually called in there when one of them finally falls asleep and the other is left in quiet and alone trying to fall asleep. This time though fresh off your words, I will try my best to remember to not complain while I go in to be the source of comfort. So thank you for your ge reminder and absolutely beautiful post share here.

  24. Robin says

    What a great thought provoking post! I sometimes complain at bedtime to my sons, because I’m just trying to get them to sleep, but your right with all you have said. Kinda Scary!

  25. Erica says

    Thank you for sharing this – I don’t have kids yet but I’ll remember this post whenever the time comes for me. Thank you for being personal and sharing something real to show us that we don’t have it all together, but we can always work hard to make it better 🙂

  26. Diana @ Soulful Necessities says

    Beautiful message. Sometimes us mom’s get so caught up in our duties that we forget the most important things in life. Thank you for reminder! Way to go.

  27. Amy @ My Name Is Snickerdoodle says

    Oh boy did I ever need to read this! Every night when I lay in bed and the mom guilt sets in I think about how I could have been better. I also joke to myself that my kids will put “In just a second!” on my tombstone because I say it so much. I never thought they would stop asking me for stuff, though. Like most of the readers before, thank you so much for posting this!

    • Lauren says

      Thanks Amy! I hope it offered a new perspective and didn’t heap on additional mom guilt! We all need our downtime. I just know that sometimes I put that above what my kids might really need.

  29. Lauren Carter says

    There have been so many nights that i have gotten settled into bed, only to suddenly somehow remember my four year old son asking me to watch him play Batman, or to sit down with him and watch Alvin and the Chipmunks with him, or play a game with him. My reply at that time, as well as the countless other times i have been busy, “I will baby, just give me a couple minutes to get this finished up, okay?” he excitingly says “okay mommy!” and it usually never even occurs to me that i blew him off, until i am laying in bed reflecting on my day. Then the guilt is just overwhelming. i can’t sleep until i hold him, cuddle with him even though he is asleep. i never even stopped to think that one day, and probably one day soon, he will more than likely give up on me as well. It breaks my heart to know that i have made him feel like he wasn’t worth my time, or he wasn’t more important than the dishes, or vacuuming the floors. After reading this i will most definitely be forcing myself to say what i mean and mean what i say! thank you so much for your eye opening post!

  30. Jane Allen says

    Parenting is a toughie. Thank God you got to know about it early enough to make a change. Most often, we make excuses for neglecting certain duties but the truth is, children value the experiences more than the comfort we think we’re working to provide. The memories we provide of being loving mothers would stay with them forever. I think it’s high time we get our priorities as parents right. But, having our ‘ME’ time is essential. We shouldn’t feel guilty about taking that.

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