You have reached the New England Patriots Haters’ Hotline. We understand your intense hatred of all things Patriots and are here to assist. Please listen to the following menu options and choose the one that best fits the reason you keep randomly screaming.
For general whining about the Patriots going to the Super Bowl again, press 11.
For general whining about Tom Brady going to the Super Bowl again, press 9.
To complain that the Patriots are a bunch of lousy, no good cheaters, press 8 because it looks like a little set of spy glasses.
To complain that Tom Brady is a lousy, no good cheater, press and hold 0 while you imagine some of the air going out of it.
For general annoyances related to the 2019 AFC Championship game, press 37, wait a second, then press 31.
To rail against the reffing in the 2019 AFC Championship game, put on a blindfold, then press the first button your finger hits.
To make a joke about being surprised Brady didn’t go to the hospital after Jones’ hit, press 911.
To make your annoyance political, picture Tom Brady, Bill Belichick, and Robert Kraft in MAGA hats while pressing 45.
To insist that Tom Brady is not the GOAT, say the name of your favorite quarterback and we’ll redirect your call.
If you just can’t get over how unfair it is that the Patriots are going to their third straight Super Bowl and your team hasn’t been in any, hang up and call your mom.
If you know the Patriots deserve their spot in the Super Bowl and are just feeling petty, press 5 to buy a Rams shirt to prepare for the big game.
If you hate the Patriots and currently live in New England, hang up, turn off your phone, lock your door, and don’t come out until after the parade.