Remember those carefree days before you had children? You’d need a few things at the grocery store, so you’d run a brush through your hair, freshen your makeup, grab your purse and keys, and be in the car three minutes after deciding to go.
Then you had kids and suddenly going to the store, or on any excursion that involved leaving the house, got a lot more complicated.
Well, dread those outings no more! Just follow these easy steps and you’ll be out the door in no time!
- Realize that if you put off grocery shopping any longer your children will have to eat ketchup packets for lunch.
- Tell the kids it’s time to go to the store.
- Finish your coffee (you’re going to need all the caffeine you can get).
- The kids are watching TV. Turn it off and tell them it’s time to go “for real this time”.
- Listen to them scream for five minutes that they want to finish the show they’re watching.
- Inform them that if they don’t stop screaming, they will never watch TV again as long as they live.
- Send the oldest to the bathroom.
- Change the baby’s diaper.
- Send the oldest back to the bathroom to wash his hands.
- Pack a bag filled with necessities: diapers, wipes, changes of clothes, band-aids, snacks, crayons, paper, the baby’s lovey, the middle child’s security blanket, the oldest’s special Hot Wheels car that he won’t go anywhere without. Throw in a few extra toys just in case.
- Send the middle child to the bathroom.
- The baby pooped. Change her diaper again.
- The middle child is playing. Send him to the bathroom.
- Help the oldest tie his shoes.
- The middle child is still playing. Tell him he will go to the bathroom immediately if he knows what’s good for him.
- Gather raincoats in case those gray clouds decide to deliver.
- Help the middle child with his shoes.
- Put shoes on the baby.
- Open the door! (Yes, you’re getting there!)
- Make two trips to the car to deposit all the junk you have to bring.
- The baby has somehow managed to crawl out the open door and is halfway down the driveway. Chase and catch her before she makes it to the road.
- Lock, I mean, buckle the baby into the car.
- Buckle in the other children.
- Lock the front door.
- Get in the car.
- The kids are thirsty. Go back to the house to get them water so you don’t have to listen to them whine the entire drive.
- Re-lock the door.
- Get in the car.
- The oldest needs to pee. Fight the urge to stab yourself with your keys.
- Bring him back in the house to pee.
- Your purse is sitting by the door. Say a prayer of thanks that your oldest needed to pee, but don’t tell him that.
- Re-lock the door.
- Get the oldest buckled again.
- Get in the car.
- Glance in the mirror.
- Realize that you’re still in your pajamas.
- Call your husband and gently inform him that he better be home immediately after work because you are going out all by yourself tonight whether he’s home or not.
- Go back in the house.
- Feed your children ketchup packets for lunch. Hey, at least they’re fancy!
Ummm…this exhausted me! But so so true…loved it!
Bronwyn Joy says
This is a pretty accurate guide. Frighteningly accurate.
LOL. I write from way too much experience 😉
Katie @ Pick Any Two says
HA! It’s funny because it’s so, so true.
Jovana Feliciano says
So I have made my life easier by just having a basket in the car with some toys, a blanket, clean zippy cups, nursing cover, and other must have items. When I decide that it is time to go all I have to do is get them to put shoes on, grab a few (previously packed) snacks, -.- FIND keys and walk out.
Great idea! Every summer I think that I should pack a bag with beach essentials and leave it in the car to simplify things, but every summer I end up running around at the last minute looking for sand toys and extra towels, etc etc. Some day I’ll learn 😉
Jennifer-Mommy Life After PhD says
LOL Lauren, definitely sharing this one!! I fight the urge to stab myself with my keys just about err day my friend!
Thanks! (And be careful!! 😉 )
I’ve taken to sleeping in my (unworkedout in) workout clothes. That way I’m always “dressed” if I have to be. I also have a kid’s book bag filled with diapers, wipes, & PJs that I leave in the car. My wallet also gets left in the backpack. I’m kinda lazy, so that is what works for me.
Ha! I love it!! I’ll need to buy some workout clothes so I can not workout in them too!
I loved this! It’s very much why I wait until I have no food to go to the store hahaha!
And it’s why I wait until I can go by myself, even if that means at 9 o’clock when the kids are in bed!
Megan Walker says
Oh man, this sounds intense!
Elizabeth (Rock-A-Bye Parents) says
Oh man Lauren this is hysterical! The sad part is so much of it is true!
Laila (@FrontRowMama) says
I can’t stop laughing! I only have one child to get out the door and it takes about 40 steps as well.
It only gets worse 😉 Haha!!
So funny! I remember once when I was frustrated to get my three little ones out the door my aunt chided me “When they get bigger the problems get bigger. Don’t fret over tied shoelaces and matching mitts.” She was soooo right!
Yes, I know someday I’ll look back on these days and wish for them back!
Guess everything in Jovana Feliciano’s home has a place & everything’s in its place. Also guess she doesn’t really have children.
Someday I’ll be organized too! But by then my kids will be grown and I’ll only need to get myself out the door!
Love it! Not going to lie, when I saw your post on SITS I thought to myself…”Wow! 40 steps seems like an awful lot, but if it gets my kids out the door easier I am in!”. Everything you say here is so true (and I only have two children). Seriously, why DOES it have to be so difficult? Thanks for the giggle this morning!
Hahaha! I apologize for not actually having any handy tips for you Kim! Thanks for stopping by 🙂
I just died laughing. The whole stop yourself from stabbing yourself with the keys…. SO been there… Now go forward a few years and stop yourself from stabbing the teen instead of you because at 11 at night she has tried unsuccessfully to negotiate whatever with you!!!!! Good luck, and go on a Friday after the hubs is home and go by yourself!!!!
Oh man, pretty sure I’ll miss these days once the kids are teens!!
At least you remembered to grab the purse. Twice in one month I forgot. One of those times i had gotten all the way through my grocery trip and in check out when I realized it. I had to ask them to hold my groceries so I could run home for it. Fail! This was pretty funny and accurate. (Stopping by from SITS Girls Sharefest)
Usually I remember when I’m several miles down the road, but I have a feeling your experience will happen to me at some point!! Too funny!
Serena @ Simple Holistic Girl says
These are hilarious! I especially like “The baby has somehow managed to crawl out the open door and is halfway down the driveway. Chase and catch her before she makes it to the road.” That did not personally ever happen to me, but I can only imagine the scenario in my head. Funny to hear it, but probably not funny to be the chaser. Stopping by from SITSsharefest!