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Nine Signs You’re Not a Domestic Diva

May 1, 2016 By Lauren

This post brought to you by Bona. The content and opinions expressed below are that of Oh, Honestly.

I have a friend who is gifted in the art of homemaking. Better Homes and Gardens could print out her Instagram feed and they’d have an entire issue ready to go. She’s that good.

Her food is delicious and nutritious. Her kids are always adorably dressed. Her decor makes me want to move into her spare room. She is a total domestic diva and I’m totally jealous. Does your house look like it was taken out of a page of Better Homes and Gardens? Do you make healthy, delicious, and beautiful meals? Do you look good doing it? No? Here are nine signs you're NOT a domestic diva. Decorating does not come naturally to me. I’ll style a room, then wonder if everyone who sees it is secretly laughing at me.

Cooking is a chore that I would gladly relinquish if I was rich and could hire a personal chef.

Cleaning is not my strong suit. I’m the kind of person who freaks out 15 minutes before company comes, madly dashing around the kitchen and living room, throwing junk in a laundry basket to hide in the closet.

And although my kids are adorable, they usually look like they dressed themselves in whatever they could find lying around their room (because most of the time that’s exactly what happened).

Are you anything like me? If you identify with any of the nine signs below, you probably are not a domestic diva:

1. You can’t artfully drape a throw blanket.

We’ve all seen the magazine photos with those creamy white couches, cashmere throw casually yet perfectly draped over the back.

Is there a trick to this technique? Are hidden safety pins involved? Obviously no kids live in that photo because: White couch! And also: Every kid knows that blankets are for fort-making, not decorating!

Here’s what it looks like when I try to artfully drape a throw. I nailed it, right? Right?! the perfectly draped throw

2. No one in their right mind would like your mealtime photos on Instagram.

We all know Instagram is the place to show off our culinary skills. Unfortunately, not all of us have those skills.

Sure, you’d love to create a plate of food that doesn’t look like vomit, but in the grand scheme of things, how it looks is far less important than how it tastes.

The plate below, for example, looks absolutely disgusting, but it tasted pretty darn good. the gourmet meal

3. You don’t scrub floors on your hands and knees.

Do people actually do this still? Those of us who aren’t domestic divas sure don’t.

I do, however, have a shortcut to domestic divahood when it comes to my floors, so if that’s what you aspire to, listen up!

First, enter the Bona® PowerPair Sweepstakes for your chance to win a ton of prizes including the iRobot Roomba. How great would it be to have a robot that cleaned your floors for you?

Next get yourself the Bona PowerPlus system. I have it and it’s changed the way I clean my hardwood floors. By changed, I mean now I actually clean them instead of looking at all the streaks, stains, and dusty footprints in despair before half-heartedly scrubbing them with a baby wipe (yes, I’ve actually done that).

This is Bona’s most powerful cleaner yet which is code for “no scrubbing on your hands and knees required”! See these spots? bona powerplus

All I did was spray the floor… bona powerplus rub the mop over them… bona powerplus and they were gone. bona powerplus Forget getting on your hands and knees; this required no elbow grease, but still makes me look like a cleaning machine. Want the Power Pair? You can get the deep cleaner and deep clean pad at Lowe’s, Bed Bath & Beyond, ACE Hardware, or True Value.

4. Instead of fine china in your hutch, you have a fine layer of dust.

Also in the hutch: The kids’ recent art projects, a few cool rocks they found outside, a bowl of markers (half that don’t have caps), and some overdue library books. I wish I could tell you I had to think hard to come up with that list, but in reality, all I had to do was turn around and look at my hutch.

5. Your decorative pillows are decorated with permanent marker.

Some might call it art. Or self-expression. I just call it another reason to throw away the Sharpies. the decorative pillow

6. Heels and an apron? Puh-lease.

If practicality trumps style in your life, you’re probably not a domestic diva. I wish I could take cookies out of the oven while wearing four inch heels, but if I tried it, I’d probably end up falling in the oven and that would ruin a perfectly good batch of cookies.

Give me my sweats and worn down slippers any day. I might look frumpy, but at least I’m comfy.

7. You often hear yourself say to the kids, “What’s all over your face?”

“Is that chocolate? Wait, I think it’s ketchup. When was the last time we had something with ketchup? Have you showered this week? This month??”

8. You consider fingerprints an integral part of your design style.

Fingerprints decorate your windows, your mirrors, and your stainless steel appliances. Sometimes you wash them off, but as soon as you do, you catch your kids licking the glass patio doors like a bunch of animals and rubbing their hands through the spit, so you’ve come to terms with the prints for now.

Besides, you know it’s true that one day you’ll wipe them away and the windows will stay clean and then you’ll cry because your babies aren’t babies anymore. This is really a matter of sentimentality over cleanliness when you think about it.

9. You don’t sort your laundry.

All the domestic divas just stroked out.

Yes, we know we should separate the whites from the colors, but when our laundry piles are so big they’re threatening to eat us up, our only real thoughts are on survival. And also the fact that we have no clean underwear. After all, we do have standards. the laundry might eat you   So what do you think? Can you join me in the ranks of the Domestic Mediocre? If so, I welcome you with open arms. And if not, can you please teach me your ways? I have some throw blankets that need arranging.

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Filed Under: Ad-Free, Family Life, Parenting Humor Tagged With: bona, domestic diva, homemaking, humor

About Lauren

If you enjoy picture-perfect home decor, perfectly prepared recipes, and perfectly behaved children, you've come to the wrong place. Meet Lauren. She isn't perfect, but she's perfectly real.

Comments

  1. Esther says

    May 1, 2016 at 8:40 pm

    I’m right there with you in the not-so-domestic diva status. I laughed out loud about the blankets because that is exactly what happens in our house!

    I’m glad you mentioned the Bona b/c I’ve been considering using that – I can’t get my floors shiny (you know, the one time every six months that I clean them) 😉

    • Lauren says

      May 1, 2016 at 8:42 pm

      I can fold a blanket and put it on the back of a chair and it will stay there for less than half a day 😛
      Definitely try the Bona! Shiny floors, not much work= win/win.

  2. Kristen says

    May 1, 2016 at 9:10 pm

    Wait, what IS that on the plate?! You don’t sort your laundry? LMAO! Love this post!

    • Lauren says

      May 1, 2016 at 9:26 pm

      LOL! It’s some kind of egg, sausage, and home fry combo. And NO I don’t sort my laundry. See? You’re a total domestic diva! Move to Maine and teach me your ways!!

  3. Michelle says

    May 2, 2016 at 9:17 am

    Funny post! I knew right from the post title that I’m not a domestic diva. The only thing I can do well is probably drape a throw blanket.

    • Lauren says

      May 2, 2016 at 8:27 pm

      Well then, you’re doing better than me! Haha!

  4. Lyndee Brown says

    May 2, 2016 at 9:55 am

    Completely agree! Glad I am not the only one who dislikes cooking and decorating.

    • Lauren says

      May 2, 2016 at 8:27 pm

      Definitely not my strong suits!

  5. Caryn says

    May 10, 2016 at 4:12 pm

    This is hilarious. I actually use Bona from time-to-time. I think it’s healthier/greener than most traditional floor cleaners. I love your comment on “What’s on your face right now?” My son ALWAYS has something on his face…

  6. Jamie Knupp says

    May 24, 2016 at 1:22 pm

    haha I love this! I’m totally NOT a “Domestic Diva” – Throw blankets? More like Folded-Up-and-Shoved-Under-the-Coffee-Table blankets.

    • Lauren says

      May 25, 2016 at 8:58 pm

      That sounds exactly right!!

  7. Kathryn says

    June 17, 2016 at 10:36 pm

    This post rang a lot of bells with me. Thank goodness for mediocre domesticity. I have never made anyone sick from my kitchen, food safe handling is tops for mr.

    • Lauren says

      June 23, 2016 at 8:18 am

      Amen! I’m not killing anyone with my food, so I think I’m killing it with my housewifery, lol.

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About Lauren

If you enjoy picture-perfect home decor, perfectly prepared recipes, and perfectly behaved children, you've come to the wrong place. Meet Lauren. She isn't perfect, but she's perfectly real. Read More…

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