As you grow older, you will hear something from women over and over again. It is a phrase that has been repeated thousands, nay millions, of times to men everywhere. Sometimes the women in your life will say it with laughter in their voices. Sometimes they will cry it in frustration. They may even scream it in anger every now and then.
What they’re telling you is sound advice and if you hope to keep the peace, you’ll want to heed it. So you may be slightly confused when I tell you the exact opposite of what every other woman will tell you. Are you ready?
Put the seat UP.
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Yes, you read that right. For the love of your mother’s sanity (and you both have a vested interest in keeping me sane), put the seat up. When you potty trained, I taught you to raise the seat before you went and lower it when you were done. For a while, you did a great job with it. But lately, oh lately. You’ve gotten lazy. Plain and simple. I really can think of no other logical explanation.
Maybe you’re hoping you won’t have to wash your hands. You can just go in without touching anything, get your business done, and get back to your Legos. Come on. Stop living in Fantasyland. You know that regardless of what you did or did not touch in the bathroom, I will make you wash your hands. And so, for as long as it takes before it sticks in those brains of yours, I will be drilling it into your head to put the seat up.
One day, years from now, I’ll be drinking coffee with your wives and they will complain to me that you never put the seat down. I will give myself a pat on the back and tell them that they’re welcome. I will explain that I worked very hard to get you both to put the seat up. I will further explain that the alternative to the seat being up is the seat being down. And that a seat down means a seat full of pee. Pee that they then need to either clean up or sit in.
Although, on second thought, maybe instead of telling you to put the seat up, I’ll put a container of sanitizing wipes beside the toilet with a sign that says, “Clean up after yourself!” Seat down, clean bathroom, happy women… sounds like a winning combination to me!
Please disregard my prior message and be on the lookout for the wipes. And for the love of your mother’s sanity, use them!!