Oh, Honestly!

Real Life for Real Moms

When I’m Not Mom Enough

By

Not Mom Enough

It’s been one of those weeks. You know what I’m talking about. The ones where the kids seem to be in some twisted competition to see who can make Mom lose it first. I’m sad to say, they’re all in the running.

The youngest has developed the disgusting habit of spitting to display her annoyance or anger with any given situation. No number of timeouts is curing the problem. Neither is the ‘You do it to me, I’ll do it to you’ approach. That’s right. I spit back at my two year old. I’ve heard it works with biting, so I thought I’d give it a whirl. Besides inciting a lot of extra crying, it’s done nothing.

The middle child is trying to wear me down with whining and hysterics. A simple trip to the store turned into an all-out nightmare when he wanted everything in sight, despite my repeated replies of “We’re not here to buy you things.” Apparently in his world, saying ‘please’ means you should get whatever you want. The trip ended with me physically restraining him in his booster seat until he’d calmed down enough to not make a break for it out into the parking lot. That was followed by a 20 minute trip home hearing nothing but “I want to go to Burger King!” over and over.

You’d think the oldest wouldn’t be in the running since he’s at school most of the day and is at a distinct disadvantage time-wise, but he has a good shot at winning top honors for his unbelievable sass. I’m not sure when backtalk became his M.O., but he has an answer for everything and it makes my blood boil.

I don’t know how many times I’ve yelled at my kids this week. Not sure how many times I’ve lost my temper. I know there have been a handful of times when I’ve thought how nice it would be to just walk away. Not permanently; I really do love my place in life. But just for a few days, maybe a week. So I can lose the mom cloak, the grownup responsibilities for a little while. To hide away somewhere where someone else cooks the meals and does the cleaning. Where I don’t hear my name repeated a million times in five minutes. Where I’m not constantly being asked to do something they could easily do themselves.

The longer the week goes on, the more frustrated I get. Not only with them, but even more with myself. Their behavior must be my fault. I’m not focusing on them enough. I’m not reacting properly to their negative behavior which causes more negative behavior. I’m not patient enough, consistent enough, loving enough, good enough.

I’m not Mom enough.

I am a failure.

I don’t have a wonderful moral to end my tale. No success story about how I miraculously turned our week around. I will cry my tears of frustration knowing full well that I’ll fail again before the day is done.

But there is one thing that eases my guilt and makes this week more manageable. I may not be Mom enough, but I’ve been Mom long enough to know that I’ve had these feelings before. And regardless of my feelings, regardless of my children’s behavior, regardless of how many times I lose it, I will get up tomorrow, still a mom. The feelings will pass. I know they will because they have before.

I’m not Mom enough this week, but maybe next week I’ll be Mom enough to make up for it.

 

About Lauren

If you enjoy picture-perfect home decor, perfectly prepared recipes, and perfectly behaved children, you've come to the wrong place. Meet Lauren. She isn't perfect, but she's perfectly real.

Comments

  1. Kristen says

    I’m so sorry you’ve had a tough week – but you are indeed mom enough. And in those darkest most frustrating moments, perhaps you can say the opposite to yourself? We’ve all been there, and as you know….this too shall pass! Sending you a hug and sun warm FL sunshine!

  2. Tammy says

    THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!
    I feel as if I could’ve written that entire article. In fact, just an hour ago, I was composing some similar type of FB post in my head and then I decided I wouldn’t post it lest I be judged by my friends and family. Oh, if only I had a blog, I could be so open and honest w/out fear of judgement b/c no one would actually know who I was.

      • Tammy says

        Lauren –
        You are great! I follow you b/c I can totally relate to you and all that you say. I commend you for being able to put it all out there w/out being anonymous. What I meant was, I didn’t feel comfortable posting those particular thoughts on a Facebook where I am actually known by so called friends and family b/c they can be a judgemental group and I just always fear the backlash of my true thoughts and feelings. I still struggle w/ filtering my words in real life and it often gets me in trouble.
        I am lucky that my children are still resilient and forgiving, but I am trying to get the yelling under control b/c I fear the day when they actually decide to hold a grudge and/or tell me they hate me.

        • Lauren says

          I didn’t take your comment negatively at all! I completely get where you’re coming from. Sometimes I’ll write something and then think, “Hmm, maybe I shouldn’t post this one. What will people think and say?” And some things I choose not to write about because well, some things the world doesn’t need to know 😉

  3. carrie says

    Oh girl. We have had the same week. I have been home alone all week with the kids and just spent three hours with them both in my very little office. They are currently screaming their little heads off in the playroom at Chick-fil-A while I sit here in relative peace and feel guilt for the crappy parenting and yelling and lack of patience I’ve bestowed upon them this entire week.

    Hang in there, right??

  4. Michelle says

    I remember those days well and actually miss those times. The days are long but the years fly by! Just go look at them while they are sleeping. It will make you forget you wanted to ring their necks just hours ago!

    • Lauren says

      I don’t know how many times I’ve whispered in their sleeping ears that I’ll try to do better tomorrow. Sleeping children definitely put things in perspective.

  5. Echo says

    I have weeks like this more than I would like to admit! Having a tough week doesn’t mean you aren’t mom enough. Just the fact that you are looking towards next week, makes me know that you ARE mom enough to make it through!

  7. Natalie says

    Thank you for your honesty. I have been having one of those weeks where I feel like all I do is yell and that I am totally failing my kids. It helped me tonight after being called a “mean mommy” to know that I am not alone. Tomorrow is a new day right?

    • Lauren says

      It’s so easy to be hard on ourselves, isn’t it? Not that we shouldn’t try to do better, but it definitely helps to know we’re not the only ones feeling this way.

  8. Christa Balmas says

    You are amazing! I am sorry you have had a rough week. This mothering thing is so tiring….absolutely exhausting. If only we had birthed the child-specific manual along with the placenta, then things might be clearer 🙂 When Rebecca arrived in this world, and I had to return to work, I was upset because I didn’t want to leave her. I certainly did not want to leave her with just anyone. I prayed for guidance, and asked myself, “if I could choose anyone to look after my baby, who would I choose?” You were the answer to my prayers. I knew you would be an incredible surrogate, and you are!! Eli, Samuel, and Annelise are the luckiest kids around. You are doing the best you can, and that is pretty awesome!! Your kids are happy, well-adjusted little people. They are trying to find their way too… while driving you crazy! By the way, did you happen to notice how full the moon has been this week? Just sayin’ 😉

    • Lauren says

      Yeesh, I can’t read this with dry eyes. Thank you. You have no idea how much your words mean. (And I definitely noticed the moon!)

  9. Caren says

    I feel like this all the time, especially when the tv has been on more then it should. I’m glad to know I’m not the only one feeling like this. I have 3 under 3 and my baby is getting no attention and I feel bad but he’s also the easiest.

    • Lauren says

      It’s so hard to juggle your time between three. You always feel like you’re not doing enough for one of them. I’m so thankful that, when it comes to our shortcomings, our kids have such short memories! Hang in there! 3 under 3 is a LOT of work. You’re doing great.

  10. AmberJane says

    Lauren I love your honesty so much – have have been that Mum in fact I felt like it yesterday when my youngest claimed living in foster care would be better than me – “my crime” bringing her to the dr for the sore throat she said was so bad she can’t attend school this week. Like you I know it won’t always be this way but boy those times are rough. You are an amazing Mom to me just doing your best and it shines through.

  11. Sarah cottrell says

    Oh, thank you for this post! I swear we are having the exact same week with whining, sass talk, spitting and even Mom tears. I hate those feelings of ‘this must be my fault’!

    Beautifully written.

  12. Ashley says

    I it bad that I take joy in reading this, sorry you had a bad week, but I’m glad I’m not alone when I feel this same way. Thank you for sharing it so I don’t feel like I’m the only mom out there that feels this way. But you are definitely mom enough! You are exactly the mom they need. I just pray everyday that the lord would forgive me for my shortcomings!

    • Lauren says

      No, that’s exactly why I write! Doesn’t it take such a load off to know we’re not alone?? And you too are exactly the mom your sweet kiddos need, shortcomings and all. Thank God for His grace!

  13. Traci@tracesoffaith says

    You gave us great perspective. All moms have days, weeks, like this. But your reminder at the end was key for me. So much of it is wrapped up in feelings. And they can be so deceiving. It’s been amazing to me how often I apologize for something I’ve said to my daughter and she barely acknowledges the apology. She’s totally already moved on! Resilience.

    • Lauren says

      YES! Feelings are so deceiving. I wonder how many marriages would be saved if we were taught that simple fact. As for the kids, I’m so thankful for their resilience. We really dwell on our own shortcomings much more than they do.

  14. Kristi Angevine says

    Wow! I’m new to reading your posts but I so appreciate how authentic you are in your writing. I think Christa Balmas said it perfectly with the, ” If only we had birthed the child-specific manual along with the placenta, then things might be clearer.” Oh crap– spitting out of displeasure? Is this on the list of what I could expect in the future? At least I ‘ll know where to turn when I need to know I’m not alone. My hope is that after writing your piece and after reading your replies that you feel mom-enough to keep your chin up through the not-enough—>enough cycle. You sound like a pretty bad ass mom to me. You write about what’s actually going on, not what you wish were going on. That degree of authenticity seems to come from a really deep sense of compassion and optimism. I love it. Thank you!

    • Lauren says

      Thanks so much Kristi! The words of encouragement and all the people who have said they’re right there with me has been amazing. We’re off to a much better start today. I wish we would all realize how much easier things could be if we would rely on each other more than we do!

  15. Jasbir @jasbeeray says

    Thank you! I feel that way too. Some days worst than others but I am beginning to tell myself that enough is OK and that has helped a lot. Stopping from Sharefest (A cuppa for my thoughts)

  16. Farrah says

    Some weeks may be hard, but you ARE mom enough, always! You’re not perfect; no one is. And your kids may be seriously driving you crazy. Moms need timeouts, too. But know that you are enough. Always.

  17. Katy @ Experienced Bad Mom says

    Visiting from SITS. You will make it! I think it’s so valuable to share the truth about motherhood. Your story reminded me of something my mom always says: Once you have children, you always have children. So true–and sorta depressing. Thanks mom! But the job of being a mother never ends. Glad you have this space to vent and the wisdom to know not every day is like that.

    P.S. You’ll see I blog as “Experienced Bad Mom” because, well, no matter what I do as a mother it’s not perfect or good enough. So I own it! 🙂

  18. Jennifer says

    I’m sending you virtual hugs and a giant bottle of wine for you. This mom gig can really get the better of us at times, but you’re right. Just because you don’t feel mom enough this week, doesn’t mean next week has to be the same. I hope you get the time you need to recharge and get back at it!

    • Lauren says

      Thanks Jennifer! I got some time this weekend and the time I spent with the kids was actually really nice, so things are already turning around!!

  19. Tiffany says

    Thank you for your transparency and for sharing this post. I can relate on so many levels, I have a 9 year old who at least 3 of 5 school days this week repeated declared “This is the worst day ever” during homework time…a statement which progressed to a whine, and all out tantrum. i digress. You are Mom enough because you recognize that even days, and weeks like this do not mean you are a failure or you have been defeated. You are Mom enough because you don’t walk away permanently or give or…something worse:-) We are Mom enough because we love our children day after day and we get up every morning and love them more even through those awful rides home and trips to the grocery story! Here’s to a better week next week!

  20. Kim says

    I feel your pain…as Mother’s, we ALL feel your pain. My two have definitely been bewitched this past week as well. I am thinking it may have something to do with the intravenous of chocolate that has been running through their veins since Halloween!? Or the time change, or…??? Like you, I know that I will find the strength and patience somewhere, somehow to get through it before I send them to some other family who might love them, or they change their attitudes (really, it’s whatever comes first). Sending you a virtual ((hug)). Hang in there!!!

  21. MB says

    I only have two, and I feel this way a lot. Mostly, because I think my mom seemed to have way more patience than I do, and she was a single parent! Every morning, I do force myself to remember that it’s another day with no mistakes in it. It’s the only thing I guess we can all do. Being a mother is definitely the hardest job I’ve ever known! Take care. Visiting from SITS Sharefest.

    • Lauren says

      My mom was just telling me about a time when I was little, throwing a tantrum in a store, so she grabbed my arm and got the evil eye from another shopper. Guess who doesn’t remember that at all? Me! I think as moms we beat ourselves up over every little thing when in reality our kids remember very few of the bad things.

  22. Bekki@a better way to homeschool says

    Oh boy, have I been there. I have 5 boys (ages 9-21: My 21 year old is away at college) and I homeschool. That means the boys are always here dear my feet. Just today the three youngest were taking turns tormenting each other every single time I turned around. They were exhausted from a long weekend and we had to get a few things done for school. I did say I homeschool right? There are days they boys forget about the school part. Today was one of those days.

    I love your transparency here. There is something morbid in us that needs to “know” we are not alone, that someone else struggles and yet still wakes up to try again.

    • Lauren says

      Wow, you must have a busy house!! I hope you’re able to take time now and then to be alone, even if it’s five minutes just to breathe! I took a few hours on Saturday and it was wonderful. It’s amazing how refreshing it is, and how much easier it is to deal with the kids’ less than wonderful behaviors when you get home 🙂

  23. Kirsten says

    Oh girl, can I relate…well, kind of. I have a 12-year old daughter so full of sass that it’s spilling out into the streets. This week, especially, has been super tough, and I’ve cried my fair share of tears at the thought that I may not be doing as well as I thought I was at this whole kid-raising thing. She’s alive and has clothes to wear and food to eat – isn’t that enough today?

    The hormones raging in her little body are too much to handle, but I’m trying (so hard, I’m trying…) to relate to her, understand where she’s coming from, and bite my tongue when I want to scream.

    This too shall pass….this too shall pass…

    Praying for you, from one worn-out momma to another.

    • Lauren says

      Thanks Kirsten! I’ll be praying for you too. I can only imagine what it will be like when they get older. I’ll try to enjoy these young years while they last. Different stages, different struggles, right?

  24. Jade @ Jonesin' For Taste says

    I had one of those days today where the kids woke up whining and my son decided that acting possessed was a good way to go when picking up his sister from school. I was laughing for some of it (when I wasn’t getting punched, kicked, and slapped while trying to get him in his car seat) but it was really hard not to want to scream super loud right at him. In the moment it’s so hard to remember they are not always like this. But tonight I have decided to go for some Oreo’s and milk and do something for me. I’ll raise a glass of milk to you for acknowledging the trials and emotions of being mom!

  25. Darcee says

    I just stumbled on to your blog it’s 4:30 in the am and I’m fighting my 2year old to go back to sleep…I was looking for someway to make me feel better because I lost it. In fact this week I’ve broken down from anger and frustration and I’ve cried and its only day 3 of this week. While finding this did make me feel better to know I’m not alone. Thank you for admitting you aren’t perfect I’m exhausted from attempting to be the perfect cookie cutter mom. And on a side note my two year old is doing the whole spitting thing too. Yes I tried spitting back as well now he seems to think it’s a hilarious game that makes mommy loose her mind.

    • Lauren says

      I’m glad you found me Darcee! I won’t offer any advice, but I’ll let you know that I’ve been there, I’ll be there again, and it has helped me tremendously to know I’m not the only one who doesn’t always rock this mom thing. I hope you’ll stick around; maybe we can help each other through the rough patches!

  26. Michelle says

    You are Mom enough because your there, no matter what your there!!! Your there to get your kids through their “crazy must be out of their minds, acting that way especially to their mama” times. I totally relate to your post and I think we all have times like these but when they do something super sweet or listen to us the 1st or 3rd time all that other stuff just melts away, right? 🙂 glad I found you at creativekkids pinterest party! 🙂 Michelle

  27. Jen says

    This couldn’t have come at a better time for me.. These are my feelings exactly this week and I’m finding it hard to cope. Not with my children but with the feelings of disappointment and failure I inflict upon myself. It’s so enlightening to know that I’m not the only one that struggles from time to time and feels like there screwing it up! I actually feel a lot better now. ☺️

    • Lauren says

      It’s amazing how knowing we’re not alone can change our perspective, isn’t it? I’m so glad this helped. It’s exactly why I write.

  28. cheryl says

    Working full time and parenting before and after work…I just DID it and never had time to question how, or what I was doing…much less write about it (or question it). My kid turned out fine…

    • Lauren says

      I’m not quite sure if you’re trying to make me feel better or worse…
      I’ll keep writing: 1) Because it’s how I best work through things, and 2) Because I’ve gotten a lot of comments both here and on social media from other moms who have told me they’ve felt the same way and it’s a relief to know they’re not the only ones who have those feelings. I think parenthood works best when we all try to support each other and that’s what I hope to do through this blog.

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