The teen pregnancy problem: Solved!

There has always been a lot of consternation over teens having babies. The problem is discussed and possible solutions are brainstormed, but still, the problem persists. I would like to humbly submit a solution to not just decrease the teen pregnancy rate, but eradicate it. Bold statement? Perhaps, but hear me out.

The Teen Pregnancy Problem: SOLVED!

Photo Credit: https://www.flickr.com/photos/newlifehotels/3572939213/in/photostream/

Plan A:

Send teens into a delivery room. Teen girl sees a woman in horrible pain, pushing a bowling ball-sized head out of her nether region. She won’t let a boy even look at her for years. Teen boy is placed in a strategic position where his hand will be crushed by the woman giving birth while simultaneously giving him a full view of ‘the show’. He won’t even want to look at a girl for years. Problem solved.

If for some reason that doesn’t work (although I’m not sure why it wouldn’t), try

Plan B:

Teens are sent on an errand-running expedition: the bank, the post office, the grocery store. They must do this assignment by themselves and with the following caveats:

• Three young children will accompany them. (Yes, the teen would be outnumbered with two, but she’ll need more children than she has hands.)
• Of those three children:
  • One can’t walk or talk, but has a scream that can shatter glass.
  • One is in diapers.
  • One was recently potty trained, but still needs frequent bathroom visits ‘just in case’.
  • The oldest is too big to ride in the shopping cart, but too little to offer any significant help. He or she also has a penchant for hide and seek.
• The bank will be out of lollipops and/or stickers.
• The post office will have a line that extends out the door.
• The supermarket will have just rearranged the entire store so that nothing is in the place it used to be.
• The restrooms at all three locations will not have been cleaned for at least two weeks. Furthermore, the changing table will be broken and the soap dispensers will be empty.
• The provided credit card will be maxed out before the teen receives it.
• The supermarket will not accept personal checks.
• It will be close to a mealtime and the children will not have had anything to eat since the previous mealtime.
• The older children will have stayed up until 10 pm the night before and will have woken up no later than 6 am that morning.
• They will have eaten sugary cereal with a side of maple syrup for breakfast and they will not have had naps.
• The child in diapers will not have had a bowel movement in at least two days, but will have been fed a double serving of prunes for breakfast.
• The car provided for the teen will have a spare diaper and wipes in it, but there will only be two wipes left in the container and they’ll be dried out.

I could go on, but this list is probably sufficient to get the job done. Now we just need some parents willing to volunteer their children for the greater good. Feel free to sign up in the comments below.