If this is your first time reading one of my Keeping It Real Challenge posts, please click here to find out what they’re all about.
I first learned of the Sauer family in March, about a month after they discovered that their four year old son, Ben, had a cancerous brain tumor. He’d had surgery, but the tumor continued to grow at an alarming rate and they had been given the unthinkable news that their son had only weeks to live.
The story hit me hard. They had two sons and a daughter, all close in age to my children. They were living my absolute worst nightmare. For a good week I lived under a cloud of fear and sadness. I would randomly start crying throughout the day. I felt guilty for every happy moment I experienced. I was terrified one of my children would suddenly get sick.
Over time though, as I continued to follow their journey, something began to change. Instead of following their story with the fear of it happening to us, I began to follow their story because through the written words of Mindy, Ben’s mom and the one who has shared their journey with us, I felt as though I knew them. It was as if these people who I’ve never met, and probably never will meet, became friends of mine.
So last week, when Ben entered heaven, healed and whole, I grieved and rejoiced with the family as though I really knew him. I haven’t yet worked up the courage to watch the recording of his celebration service, but I continue to be awestruck by the grace-filled way the Sauer family has endured this enormous trial. Every post Mindy writes is both heart-wrenching and full of hopeful encouragement.
But now what?
When I heard the news of Ben’s passing, I immediately wondered what I could do. This little boy and his family have touched my heart in a way that does not often happen and just because his time on earth has ended doesn’t mean his story has. I don’t want to walk away from this unchanged.
So I wondered, should we donate to cancer research? The Children’s Miracle Network? There are so many wonderful organizations out there. Then another thought hit me. There are many services for families who have children with terminal illnesses, but what about after a child has passed away? I know there are support groups, but is there anything else? What happens when the initial horror has ended and the people who weren’t as close to the family return to their normal lives? For the family who has lost a child, there is no ‘normal’.
I won’t presume to have any idea what it’s like to go through something like that, nor will I assume that every family grieves the same way or has the same needs.
This is my question though:
A few months into a loss, a year into a loss, even five years into a loss, what do families need? Do they need something as big as the financial assistance to get away for a while? To heal in a place where they are not constantly reminded of what life used to be like? Do they need something as small as a note from someone telling them that their child is not forgotten? That no matter how much time goes by, they will always be remembered, loved, and missed? Is there any kind of group out there that specifically looks out for the needs of these families?
Big or small, I want to do something. Not necessarily specifically for the Sauer family, but certainly specifically because of the Sauer family. Chances are that they will never know about the girl in Maine who has been so touched by their story, but the girl in Maine will always know that there’s a family who resides in New York and heaven who has also taken up residence in her heart.
Part of the reason I shared this for this week’s Keeping It Real Challenge is because I truly would like answers to my questions of what to do. If you know of an organization that works with families who have lost a child, please direct me to them. If you have been through the experience of losing a child, or know someone who has, and would be willing to share what help a grieving family could use, I would be grateful for that. If you have any ideas, please send them my way.
And now the part of the post where I share pictures of our real, everyday lives.
Eli’s Birth Minute Photo, May 12, 8:34 p.m. 
This is what happens when you put gummy candy in the oven (see that brown stuff? It was a sour belt.)
Annelise’s Birth Minute Photo, May 18, 9:30 a.m.
Have a great week and remember to keep it real!
Aaron says
I think The Sauers exemplify exactly what a family needs when they lose a child — a strong belief that their child is now safe and made new again with his creator and heavenly father. Who better to lean on when one loses a child than the God who gave up his child for all of us?
A tragic loss such as this would be so much more overwhelming if Mindy and Andy were alone, without a community of believers and family lifting them up in prayer and love. So, in short, grieving families need more Mindy’s in this world to deliver truly hopeful and inspiring words amid such an unthinkable tragedy.
All that said, I pray I NEVER have to go through the loss of a child… not sure my faith is as strong as Mindy’s.
Lauren says
Yes, I have no idea how anyone could go through such a loss without faith in a loving Father and hope of eternal life. I was so thankful to read that Mindy will continue to blog about their journey because I know God isn’t finished using them.
My mom has often said that God gives us the grace we need when we need it. Even so, I too pray that I never have to go through that.
Elizabeth (Rock-A-Bye Parents) says
I’m in a Mom group. The group was formed while we were all expecting. Last March, while our kids were starting to turn 2, one of the little boys in our group didn’t wake up one morning. It was only a couple of weeks before his birthday, so on his birthday we all got blue balloons and released them for him. Many of the moms did it on his birthday again this year. I know the mom said the hardest part for her has been when everyone started returning to their normal lives, but they couldn’t do that. We’ve tried to do special things for all of the family members at special times throughout the year to let them know we were still thinking of them. I think you’re right that what every family needs is different, but I think it helps the family when they know that there are always others there to help them with whatever their needs are.
Lauren says
Wow. Thank you for sharing. I’m sure that family appreciates your support so much.
JenEverAfter says
I’m sorry, I don’t know much about the afterwards. But I have a little bit of experience with the “during.” My dad had a liver transplant several years ago (he’s doing great, thanks for asking!) and it was a very long, difficult experience. You have to be very, very sick before you get to the top of that list. After the surgery, we had to stay in a family hotel, similar to the Ronald McDonald House, in that area. I lived there with my dad for a month, my sister stayed for another month. It’s a very difficult place to have to exist while you wait for treatment or appointments or whatever. My dad had already had the surgery, but they wouldn’t release him to go home (about an hour’s drive from the hospital) until the doctors felt he was ready. In these types of hotels, we are still responsible for feeding ourselves. Some of the best days was when a group or organization would come bring dinner for the whole place. It broke up the monotony and brought everyone together. I could tell by the looks of some of the people who volunteered to serve up the food that they had no idea what this small contribution meant to us. Since then, I have always wanted to do that, to give back in that sort of way, by gathering a group of friends and serving up dinner at a local hospital hotel for families. I can’t do that where I live currently, but I will someday. Like I said, I don’t know about the “afterwards,” but those homes/hotels that house the families of ill patients are truly a God-send and go unnoticed by regular folks. It might be a good place to start!
Lauren says
Thank you! That is a great suggestion. I think a lot of times we don’t realize how much the little things matter to someone.
Jolene Martin says
Anything can be truly appreciated when losing a child. Flowers , cards, meals, birthday cards, balloons in the air, talking to them about their child, a book sent to them on loss, I could go on. People shy away when u say you lost a child and look at you with pity. But what these people need is a way to normalize this in society it does happen and we can overcome it. You bring it up its probably on our minds anyway because we think about our children everyday all of them. They lived and we loved them. They deserve a place in peoples hearts and jesus deserves the glory of our getting to know them even a short while.
Lauren says
Wow Jolene. I never thought of it that way before, but you’re so right. I usually shy away from the ‘hard’ conversations because 1) I don’t know what to say, and 2) I don’t want to make someone feel bad. But I imagine having everyone skirt around it must be horrible as well. Thank you for this perspective.