Oh, Honestly!

Real Life for Real Moms

I Told My Two Year Old Her Butt was Big

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“Mummy, I hafta pee!” My freshly potty trained two year old dashed into the bathroom where I was blow drying my hair, tugging at her pajama pants as she ran. I set the blow dryer on the counter, scooped her up, and rushed to the toilet, unwilling to test the urgency of her declaration for even a second longer than necessary.

Her Butt Was Big

As she settled onto the seat, she leaned over to peer into the bowl and asked, “Why my bum-bum big?”

Only milliseconds passed between her question and my answer, but it was enough to consciously think of the natural rebuttal, “Your bum isn’t big!”

Instead I heard myself saying, “Everyone’s bum-bum is big.” I paused for a moment before adding, “God made them nice and soft so they’re comfy to sit on.”

As she finished her business, what I’d said suddenly dawned on me. I’d just told my daughter she had a big butt.

My consternation quickly faded though, and I realized that perhaps I had stumbled upon something important.

My daughter is two. She has not developed any body image issues yet. To her, a body is a body is a body, regardless of how big or small, cushy or bony, light or dark.

The questions she asks and the statements she makes are out of pure observation and curiosity. She notices that her brothers don’t share her anatomy, that her mommy’s skin is red and freckled, that her bum-bum is big. She does not see these things as imperfections. They simply are and she wants to know why.

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I could easily have responded to her question that morning by exclaiming, “Your bum isn’t big!”, but what would it have accomplished? My little girl is smart and only a few such statements would alert her to the fact that having a big bum must be undesirable.

Instead, I focused on what she was really saying. Regardless of how fat or thin we are, our butts take up a good portion of our bodies. They’re round and they stick out a little. Yes, some are bigger than others, but we all have them and to a two year old, they all look big.

Our culture loves to talk about body image. About the problem of girls making themselves sick to try to look perfect. About the fact that photos of models are airbrushed and photoshopped almost beyond recognition.

Perhaps the conversation needs to change.

Maybe instead of reading into every comment made about our bodies, we need to take such statements at face value and realize that an observation is not necessarily an insult. Maybe instead of trying to bolster our daughters’ self-esteem by telling them, “You’re not fat!”, we need to remind them (and ourselves) that healthy people come in all shapes and sizes.

Maybe we should start looking at our bodies as amazing creations instead of as things in need of constant tweaking to meet a made-up ideal.

Will the conversation be easy to change? No. I’m sure I’ll fall into old habits again and again. But if my daughter catches me bemoaning my lost boobs, I’ll try to remember to tell her how they nourished three incredible people. And if she spots me examining my face in despair, I’ll do my best to stop and explain all the varied abilities of skin.

And when the day comes, as I’m sure it will, when she asks me if her butt is big, I may not tell her that it is, but I won’t tell her that it isn’t either. Instead I’ll tell her that it’s exactly the way it’s supposed to be, just as God made it.

Do we need to change the conversation about body image? Join the conversation on Facebook. And I always appreciate when you share my posts!

 

About Lauren

If you enjoy picture-perfect home decor, perfectly prepared recipes, and perfectly behaved children, you've come to the wrong place. Meet Lauren. She isn't perfect, but she's perfectly real.

Comments

  1. Kristen says

    Yes this conversation needs to happen because we are all too critical of ourselves and our bodies. Ok maybe just me…but this is an important lesson to teach all girls. LOVE this post!!

  2. Janine Huldie says

    Love that last line and think you may totally be onto something, especially being the mom to two young girls. So, at the very least opened my eyes a bit and gave me some further food for thought on the topic of body image with them as they grow up.

    • Lauren says

      I think if anything is going to change, it has to start from the time they’re really young. If we shape the way they think before they get to those turbulent teen years, we can make a change!

  3. Herchel A Scruggs says

    I am pretty sure I have told my daughter she has a big butt. She says mine is giant. I agree with you about body image. My daughter is very thin and likes to hold her belly and proudly say that she is fat when she is full. It always makes me cringe and I remind her that she is full not fat.

    • Lauren says

      I guess the biggest thing to me is changing the view that stick-thin is the ideal. Some people are naturally thin and others aren’t. It’s too bad that we can’t look at ourselves as healthy or unhealthy instead of thin or fat.

  4. Echo says

    This is fantastic, Lauren. It’s so very true. Little kids ask questions, but they have no body image issues. I hate to say it, but society and even us as parents are the ones that create those issues.

  6. Nicole Schwarz says

    I love this post! Thank you! I’m starting the conversation with my 3 young girls already too. One of my daughters has growth hormone deficiency, so she will be much smaller than kids her age (and her younger sisters). Instead of minimizing or dismissing her feelings about her size, I’m trying to encourage her uniqueness!

    • Lauren says

      That’s a great approach to take. I really do think that so much of it has to do with what we teach them at home from an early age. If they start out confident, it won’t bother them as much when they inevitably run into those people who are far too concerned with how everyone looks.

  7. Jennifer says

    I loved the heart of this post — only, for the British children in my daycare “bum-bum” is the term most use for vagina, so this was a bit of an LOL for me — I had to check to make sure you weren’t!

  8. Caryn says

    This conversation makes me hopeful that our children will not live in such an image conscious society. I love that there are motivation women (you being one of them) that will have these serious conversations with us and critically think about redefining image. I love mass media for many reasons, one of which is to show the diversity not just in thought, but also in body makeup.

    • Lauren says

      Thanks Caryn! You’re absolutely right; if more people than not would use social media for good, it could have a HUGE impact.

  9. Becky says

    I have two daughters so I know all too well how hard they can be on themselves. It is our job to help them see how beautiful they are. Good article.

  10. Amanda says

    I agree it’s hard to impart a healthy sense of confidence about our daughter’s bodies when we are insecure about our own. My daughter says I’m squishy…I say I got it from her and her brother and I’m proud of it. I don’t tell her I sometimes step on the scale, exhale and long and hard and think about counting calories.

    • Lauren says

      That’s a great way to do it. We won’t be perfect examples, but trying to show them the positive might just change our attitudes too.

  11. Maria says

    This is why body image is such an important discussion to have especially with girls. It’s so easy to fall into what the media or the press is feeding us, that we often forget that the images we see, that our children see, are not what is deemed “normal” They have unlimited access to money to look that good, and anyone who denies that very fact is lying otherwise. Your post is so wise and definitely something that resonates with me. I want my daughter to be comfortable with her body and to have the confidence to celebrate not just herself but others around her, no matter what size or color. Thank you for reminding us all of that.

  12. Rebecca says

    What an absolutely great post !!!!! I laughed and then sobered when I read the rest of your message. Too long we have tried to measure up to those airbrushed models we see in the media. I grew up in the Barbie age and I hope we can raise our young girls to feel good about their bodies just the way God made them. Here’s to big butts !!!!

  13. Tiffany | A Touch of Grace says

    I loved this post! I’m pretty sure I’ve told my daughter she has a booty like her daddy (a big butt). I love your perspective and thoughts on body image. We need to make sure our children don’t go into kindergarten with body image issues.

  14. Kelly @ Mum-bo-Jumbo says

    I love how you were honest with your daughter but not to the point of actually making her feel like she has a big “bum bum”. Kids are funny sometimes! Thanks for linking up at the Tots and Toddlers Thursday Link Up Party

  15. Jenny @ Unremarkable Files says

    Do I ever love this post. I’ve had this same thought many times.

    I think your answer was perfect. Imagine if you’d answered “Your bum’s not big!” She would’ve been so confused: she makes a perfectly factual observation, and her mother responds by (1) denying what is clearly true, homo sapiens have big glutes, and (2) suggesting that there’s something wrong with that. If that doesn’t give a kid a complex, I don’t know what will!

  17. Amanda says

    You are so right! I love that you pointed out she would figured out there must be something wrong if you were to deny an obvious fact. We, as adults, have so many programmed notions that it is sometimes had to turn them off, and yet children are smart enough to understand the implications. Very well said. Stopping by from #SITSblogging

  18. Erika @ Ever-changing Life of a Mum says

    I have two girls and ensuring they are confident about their bodies is very important. Even at a young age, they already compare themselves, even though it’s more about who’s taller/shorter, etc at the moment. Similar to you, I tell them that everyone is different and they are just the way they are meant to be. Great post, thanks for sharing. Popping over over Tots and Toddlers Link Up Party.

    • Lauren says

      Thanks Erika! It’s true, the comparisons start early, but I think our reactions to them are what’s really important. Like you said, they’re just pointing out the differences, not making a judgement on which one is better or worse, so if we do the same, they won’t see tall/short, big/small as anything more than differences.

  21. Robin says

    Love this post, and your take on helping your daughter develop a healthy body image.

    My 9 year old daughter recently asked me if it was good to have a big butt. I love when kids ask those kind of questions because it gives us the chance to explain that there is no “ideal” body size or shape. I wish I’d believed that when I was a teenager, and hope that my kids will when they get there.

    • Lauren says

      Completely agree! I know there are a lot of voices competing with ours, but hopefully our kids will hear ours above the others.

  22. Nicole Weeks says

    Great point! It is exactly those little reactions that we use to learn what is acceptable and desirable and what isn’t in the company we keep. A good reminder of how easily and thoughtlessly we can pass on our insecurities and attitudes.

  23. Dawn says

    I am smiling because I genuinely appreciate honesty and candor, it makes it so much easier to have a conversation. We need to teach our children to speak both with candor and with grace so that their words are seasons with the sweet saltiness that makes them real and approachable. We also need to remind them of the many beautiful aspects of being an individual with proper perspective is so freeing, big bum and all. 🙂

    Blessings!
    Dawn

    • Lauren says

      I so agree Dawn! Speaking the truth in love is something I want my children to learn and something I constantly need to practice!

  25. Samantha @ Stir the Wonder says

    I wasn’t sure what I was going to be reading based on your title, but I totally agree! Kids just make observations about what they see. It’s us who put the fear of body image in their heads. Thanks for linking up at the Thoughtful Spot Weekly Blog Hop! We hope you join us again next week!

  26. Help4NewMoms says

    This is a great topic. As a daughter myself AND the mother of two teenage daughters I can tell you that what works is unconditional support and love when it comes to weight. ANY criticism at all of your daughter on her weight will never be forgotten and will only serve to build resentment.

    Your idea to focus on healthy and strength of the body is the way to go. From mom and dad, our girls need to hear unconditional love and acceptance. Some day, if THEY are unhappy with their figure, THEY will handle it for themselves all the while knowing that Mom and Dad love them and think they are beautiful no matter what they weigh. Think Bridget Jones…he likes me just as I am!

    • Lauren says

      I agree! I’m the youngest of four girls and knowing I had (have) my parents unconditional support has done a lot to help me be confident in who I am, regardless of what I look like.

  27. melinda says

    I totally love you now! I raised 2 girls, and both have body image problems, thanks to me. sigh
    Hopefully we can do better with the grand baby.
    Jenny from Unremarkable Files recommended this on FB. So glad she did!!!

    • Lauren says

      We do learn from our parents, but there are other factors too! Our society isn’t exactly innocent in the messages it sends our girls, for instance. Regardless, it’s awesome that you’re already thinking about it with your grandbaby. Thanks for reading; I’m glad you liked it!

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